1.06, The Shepherd

[the_fairest]

She was waiting. She could hardly hold still.

The whole world seemed full of colors she'd never seen before.
She could hardly remember ever feeling this happy, this free, before.





Even that he's, Mary Margaret checked her watch again, twenty-two minutes late can't touch it.

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[the_fairest]

It's so much worse. That he doesn't say this was all an accident. That he wasn't confused. That it isn't just as suddenly gone as the memories are, and other feelings, are suddenly there. There's only one way this conversation could be headed now.

Regardless of what he had said so many times.
Regardless of the near desperate admission.
The only thing to make it ever worse.



"And you're going back to her."



How desperate her want to be wrong was.
She'd given in. Said yes. Gone beyond hoping.

[willalwaysfind]

"It's the right thing to do," he whispers, and more than anything, he wishes it wasn't so, but he has that he needs to uphold, and something about it feels important. For as many things as he still continues to question about himself, he needs to be the kind of man who would honor the commitment of marriage. He needs to have that much.

He looks at her, unmoving, his hands resting at his sides despite the overwhelming urge to reach out to her now, to draw her close. To comfort her in this, even if he's the cause.

[the_fairest]

She looked away as the words hit like a shot. Her eyes going from stinging to a flush she could feel of the tears building now. The right thing for him. The right thing for Kathryn.

Why he couldn't choose this yesterday. The day before. This morning. A week ago. Every single time she'd reminded him of his wife. Before some magic wand finally waved, after she'd given to his pursuit, and then he listened. Once he had her. Once he didn't want her.

"The right thing to do--" She nodded as she crossed her arms, her lip wobbling and voice starting to clog and crack, even as tried to keep it firm. Her tone a hurt that refused to even become anger for her no matter how hard she tried for it. "--was not to lead me on."

[willalwaysfind]

He looks down at the ground, unable to meet her gaze for a long moment, the truth of her words stinging in his ears and in his chest. It's not a question of whether he wants to hear the words, but whether he needs to hear them, and the pang of guilt that rockets through him is unmistakable for what it really is - even if he never harbored that feeling around Kathryn when he'd considered doing something different at the bridge tonight.

He'd never once felt that he was doing something wrong with Mary Margaret, but he now sees the duty that he has to uphold, the commitment that he needs to honor.

"I know," he says, his voice soft.

[the_fairest]

It doesn't make it better. Whatever her words were supposed to do, supposed to mean or make him feel or see, it doesn't make it better. All she could with his acknowledgement to her, to what he'd done, was nod, fingers holding her elbows tighter, the sensation in her throat only tightening even more at his agreed.

She swallowed, wishing she could be anywhere else, as her vision of him blurred more. "So, you made your choice."

[willalwaysfind]

"I'm sorry," he whispers, taking a step towards her and reaching out to her at the sight of her eyes blurring over, the way her voice catches when she speaks.

But the ground is wet and the rocks yield under his feet, and his legs are still shaky from the coma - that's what he'd believe, though he suspects it might be something closely linked to the pain he feels when he looks at her.

[the_fairest]

She rocked back a half step, raising her hands somewhere between waving him off and warding him off, as though one touch wouldn't cause the last shreds of her dignity to crumble entirely. "That's okay."

Except it wasn't. Any more than the smile she'd tried to give was real.
His remorse was real. The threatening impend of her dissolve was real.

This all ending, sooner rather than later, in every way, was real.

"I guess it just wasn't meant to be," all tumbled out of her mouth, foolish and fleeting, as she turned, pulling the sides of her cardigan tighter over her chest, and walked away quickly over the wet rocks, giving up any charade that she could stand there with him now.